For the first 9 years of my salvation I had a nagging doubt that I might not go to heaven if I died. Part of that doubt was just my general fatalistic view of life. A type of theology actually reinforced the suspicion that I might not, in the end, make it. There are verses that, with the right mindset, reinforce that type of outlook. Hebrews 10:26-27 talks about habitual sin and the fearful expectation of judgment. Even Jesus talks about telling folks who have “prophesied” and “driven out demons” that He “never knew” them. I got the idea that unrepented sin sticks. So I would attempt to keep careful track of my sins and try to meticulously ask for forgiveness in my “prayer” time which really ended up being my “confession” time.
All those verses about, “no on can snatch them out of my Father’s hand” (John 10:29) and “never let the righteous fall” (Psalm 55:22) seemed to not apply to me. I felt I was in a unique position or under a different set of rules. I knew I “got in the club” as it were, and that I did nothing to earn it. All I did was say “yes” to the invitation. However, I did get it into my head that it was my job to “stay in the club.” I erroneously believed that God did all this work on the front end and then set up the situation where I could “work out my own salvation with fear and trembling” (Philippians 2:12) I just hoped I didn’t sin one to many times and thus be put out.
At the root of all this was I felt God must be disappointed in me on a personal level because of all he had done for me (provided salvation, the Holy Spirit, His Word, purpose, etc.) I still chose to sin, effectively spitting in His face. I felt that Jesus’ work on the cross was more a legal transaction that God would not renege on because He was not like a man that he should change his mind. But that generally, he HAD to be disappointed in my effort and my out and out pursuit sin from time to time. To add fuel to my doubt was the general belief at my Bible College the "once saved, always saved" doctrine was a dangerous heresy that promoted loose living without consequence. I know I didn't want that.
I had read the book “The Practice of the Presence of God” by Brother Lawrence, a potato-peeling monk. He often doubted his salvation (from his perspective) and really wanted to “suffer” to kind of contribute to the effort. I related to his outlook.
There was a part in the book (journal, actually) that really frustrated me. One of his entries just went on and on about how he had accepted his salvation and how all was right and how free he felt. He said all this without the obligatory 3-step guide…He just said it happened and he accepted it without any explanation.
I was struggling, we lived in Nashville and things really couldn’t have been better. I’m young, I’m in the Music City with my baby. We have a cool church with lots of musicians. I have a neat job and a house. I’m playing music and we have some great friends. But that nagging feeling of ‘potential” lost-ness hammered me.
I remember driving on a part of “Old Hickory Road.” It was beautiful and scenic, but I was feeling glum. I started to pray (with very little faith, I may add), “Jesus, I know You love me…and.” Then I kind of stopped. An enormity seemed to press me. He loves me. He’s not mad, he’s not disappointed, he’s not looking to crack me over the skull, he’s not ready to turn his back, he’s not going anywhere. He loves ME. I wish it was more spectacular then that, I had been doing a lot of study at the time and I had really been focusing on the verses about the “everlasting-ness” of God. My personal and my overall theology shifted in that moment. I pretty much became a “once saved, always saved” guy. I still leave myself a caveat that Heaven will be a voluntary place and if you don’t want to go there, God won’t make you. But generally I’m a “Nothing can separate you from the Love of God” guy. Not even my own sin and goofiness. I simply said “yes” to the fact of God’s eternal salvation in my life and a “no” to my “traditional” theology. This approach of saying “yes” led me to some awesome (although sometimes super –weird) place with the Lord.
Fourteen years later I was talking to a great Christian guy. He had been a missionary for many years. He had learned to speak a difficult native language. Many of his children were born on the mission field. He was now in the U.S. training potential missionaries. He was talking about how he felt inadequate and weak (which is not necessarily a bad outlook) and I was trying to pump him up a little. “Listen, you’re in a good place doing important ministry. At the end of the day God loves you and you’re going to Heaven.” His response was so interesting.
HIM, “Yeah, Well, We’ll see.”
ME, “Seriously, you have His favor and approval. He loves you and you’ll be with Him.”
HIM, “I sure hope so.”
ME, “ Wait a minute, you don’t believe you’re going to Heaven?”
HIM, “I’ll know when I get there. A lot can happen between now and then.”
I was so sad for him, and I expect he unwittingly deposited a little doubt into everyone he helped equip.
On the other hand, I realized that there had not been a moment since I talked to God in such a weak faithless way that day in my car on “Old Hickory Blvd” that I haven not known that there is no circumstance that will prevent me from living in eternity in the lap of Jesus.
chris
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